Meet the authors
Dr. Amir Levine
Dr. Amir Levine is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He grew up in Israel and Canada, and has always had a fascination with bology and the brain. Amir Levine attended medical school, and his interest in human behavior led to a residency in adult psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University/New York State Psychiatric Institutes. He then began to specialize in child and adolescent psychiatry. While working in a therapeutic nursery with mothers with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and their toddlers, Amir witnessed the power of attachment to heal and realized the importance of attachment principles in the daily lives of adults as well as children.
Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
Rachel S.F. Heller Hold a B.A. degree in Behavioral Sciences (Psychology, Anthropology and Sociology) and has an M.A. degree in Social-Organizational Psychology from Columbia University.
Attachment theory
Attachment theory focuses on relationships and bonds between
people. According to attachment theory, pioneered by British
psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth,
the quality of the bonding you experienced during this first
relationship (infant and primary caregiver - probably your mother)
often determines how well you relate to other people and respond
to intimacy throughout life.
There are three types of attachment styles: secure, anxious and
avoidant. There is also the anxious-avoidant (also known as the
"fearful or disorganized type"), but few have this type of
attachment style.
It develops early in life and often remain the same. However, this
does not mean that they cannot be changed to a more secure or
insecure form of attachment.
Attachment styles
Attachmentt styles or types haracterized by the behavior exhibited
within a relationship, especially when that relationship is
threatened.
Our attachment style plays a role in our relationship, even
if we don't know it. If you have noticed a pattern of negative and
emotionally challenging behaviors in your love life, you might
benefit from digging deep and exploring the way you attach to
people in intimate relationships.
Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your
intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own
behavior, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to
intimacy. Identifying these patterns can then help you clarify
what you need in a relationship and the best way to overcome
problems.
Anxious
- Constant reassurance and affection
- Seeking validation that you are worthy of feeling loved and 'good enough'
- Fear of rejection and abandonment
- Prioritizing the needs of a partner over your own
- Clinginess and poor sense of boundaries
- Difficulty expressing or understandig your intensse emotiens
Avoidant
- Uncomfortable with emotional closness
- Dislike opening up to others and expressing thoughts and feelings
- Find it difficult to trust and rely on others
- Often seem distant, aloof or even cold
- See themselves as independent and self-sufficient
- Prefer to maintain boundaries in relationships
Secure
- Not afraid of commitment or dependency. Thrives in their relationship, but isn't affraid of being on their own
- Naturally expresses feelings. Communicates relationship issues well
- Reliable and consistent, doesn't send mixed signals
- Tends to have a positive view of themselves and others.
- Doesn't overly seek external approval of validation
My experience with the attachment theory
After my breakup Instagram began to show reels and post about healing
from a breakup and more. In one reel, I stumbled upon the attachment
theory. I was curiose about it and decided to search a bit and I
stumbled upon a podcast about the topic. In one of the podcasts the
speaker told about this book she had read, and it had completly
changed her point of view on how we look at relationships.
Again my courisoity was sparked, and I decided to purchase the book.
As I began to read it, a lot began to make sense. The way I had felt
in my relathionship was due to me having an anxious attachment style.
In the beginning, I couldn't pin point why I behaved the way I did. It
was like an automatic reaction from me, but I never questioned why, it
just felt natural to do so, which sounds a bit weird. As it turned
out, I was afraid of rejection. At the time, I thought is was because
everything was against me and I didn't deserve to be happy.
After reading the book, I learned a lot about the attachment styles
and how to spot them, which will help when looking for a partner who
doesnt trigger my attatchemt style. I also learned what kind of
behavior I use when my system is activatied. With that knowledge I can
now begin to work on it, and make sure it doesn't takes up a large
part of my relationship.
Another thing I learned is that the anxious behavior also shows
in my friendships, not as intense though, but it still makes it
difficult to form close friendships or feel comfortable around others.
